Just as God disciplines his earthly children when he must (“Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline” – Revelation 3:19 and see Hebrews 12:6), so he tells us we must also discipline our children when necessary. The book of Proverbs assures us “If you don’t punish your children, you don’t love them. If you do love them, you will correct them” (Proverbs 13:24 GNV). The same book says “Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death” (Proverbs 19:18) – showing that discipline or the lack of it can be a matter of life or death regarding the eventual outcome of a child’s life.
But what is the most important aspect of punishing children when they have to be disciplined? Many would probably say “restraint,” and in this day and age – when restraint is lacking in the lives of so many – that would not be a bad guess. Restraint is obviously vital in any kind of child discipline, and there is never any reason or excuse for unbridled anger or frustration that ends in child abuse – whether physical or mental.
Hopefully we can take the matter of restraint in punishment as being a self-evident necessity in child rearing as in any other part of life, and if we can do that, we can probably say that the most important aspect of child-discipline is simply the principle of punishing in love. We saw this principle in the scriptures quoted above, and the Bible often speaks of love and punishment in the same breath. But how do we apply this basic principle? What does it mean to administer correction and discipline in love? Apart from the matter of restraint which we have already discussed as foundational to any kind of discipline, parents – and especially Christian parents – can apply a number of practices that equate with punishing in love, but three are particularly important.
1) First, we must separate the person from the problem and make sure our children know it is their behavior we are not happy with, not them. Paul shows this is God’s attitude toward us when he wrote “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). We too should remember to love our children – and show that love to them – even when they must be corrected. There is a world of difference between telling a child “You are ….” and “You should not…” Our correction should always guide rather than cut down the one being corrected.
2) Another thing we can do to root discipline in love is to always be sure to make the punishment fit the problem. Just as civil law is based on the principle of the punishment fitting the crime, so we should be careful to measure corrective punishment against the level of what our children do wrong. A helpful principle to follow is that whenever possible, punishment should only be given for rebellion – refusal to follow a direct parental directive rather than simply for failing to perfectly keep a household rule. A messy room and a rebellious attitude are not the same and should not be treated in the same way.
3) Finally, another vital aspect of balancing punishment with love is to be sure that we always combine the two and make sure they are never separated because of anger or thoughtlessness on our part. Time and again we find that when God had to discipline the people of Israel, he also spoke to them of his love. Notice in the book of Jeremiah, for example, God says “I will hide my face from this city because of all its wickedness. Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security” (Jeremiah 33: 5–6). Here, we see God combined a message of discipline with one of assurance and love – something we see a great many times throughout the book of Jeremiah (Jeremiah 46:28; 48:46–47; etc.) and in all the prophetic books of the Bible.
We should always apply this principle by reassuring our children of our love after applying necessary discipline. Sometimes it may help to hug them, but we should always remind them that our punishment is based on our love for them.
These practices are simple enough, but they are also vital parts of what it means to discipline properly – for the child’s ultimate well being – and to truly punish in love.
