Everyone understands that trust and forgiveness are different things, yet it is easy to confuse them in actual life. Sometimes people feel that trust is part of forgiveness and that they must trust those they forgive.
In other situations people feel that although they should forgive, they do not ever need to trust the person again.
Both of these extremes can be wrong. We always have to forgive, but we do not have to trust those who hurt us and show no sign they are sorry. On the other hand, once we have forgiven we should strive to allow trust to be rebuilt whenever possible. The difference lies in the fact that forgiving someone who has wronged us is our responsibility; reestablishing trust is most often the responsibility of the person who wronged us.
In real life, people get hurt repeatedly – that fact was the basis for Peter’s question to Jesus: “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21). The problem is a very real one because humanly, repeated wrongs done against us can make forgiveness progressively harder. That is why Peter suggested we only forgive up to seven times – a “manageable” number of wrongdoings. Jesus’ answer, of course, was that we must not put a limit on the number of times we forgive someone (Matthew 18:22). But his answer has no application to staying in a situation where we would continue to get hurt if that is avoidable. Nor does it mean that we should trust the wrongdoer if it would be unwise or dangerous to do so. Remember again the Scripture’s counsel: “The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.” This clear wisdom is expounded twice in the Bible (Proverbs 22:3; 27:12) for a reason.
Not understanding these basic truths prevents many people from restoring relations after forgiving those who have hurt them and causes many others to suffer unnecessarily when they do. In his book The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren says: “Many people are reluctant to show mercy because they don’t understand the difference between trust and forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past. Trust has to do with future behavior.” Warren is surely correct in this, for while forgiving must be immediate on our part, trust must be rebuilt over time and depends on the behavior of the one forgiven. As Warren puts it, trust requires a track record: “If someone hurts you repeatedly, you are commanded by God to forgive them instantly, but you are not expected to trust them immediately…” Our forgiveness of others must always be unconditional, but our trust of others can and often should be conditional – it has to be earned.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean we have to see change in the other person in order to forgive them – that would be an entirely wrong approach. We must forgive whether an individual changes or not. But we need not trust them if they have not changed. Trust develops slowly – and it must be remade over time. Think of the example of Jesus asking Peter three times, “do you love me?” (John 21:15-17) after Peter’s betrayal. Peter had failed Jesus three times, of course (John 18:15-27), and perhaps there is a lesson in Christ’s repeated questions that we should see recurrent or ongoing evidence of change before we fully trust again.
A simple analogy is that being hurt by another is like receiving a cut to our body. Forgiving the person acts like the stitches that close our wound, but spiritual and emotional healing, just like physical healing, still require time. Even when we fully understand the difference between granting forgiveness and trust, we must always remember that allowing time for trust to be repaired does not mean allowing ourselves a period of time to brood, feel sorry for ourselves, or to allow resentment or anger to continue to develop. That would be like allowing an infection to take hold in the cut that should be healing. Granting ourselves time to trust again should always be based on our complete and unhindered forgiveness of the other person – that is the only way we will, in fact, heal.
We should always be open to allowing trust to be rebuilt whenever this is possible. Forgiveness is a possession we all have that we are able to give to others. But trust is not a possession, it is a process that we allow to develop once our forgiving makes trust possible again.
* Exerpted from our new free e-book How to Forgive. You can download a copy here.
You may not know at this moment when you will need to exercise forgiveness, but you can be certain that sooner or later you will have to forgive someone for something. Perhaps right now there is an old hurt that you have never been able to completely forgive, or perhaps the necessity will not arise until tomorrow or next week, but whenever the need to forgive comes up or to prepare you for when it does, our latest free e-book is designed to help you.
Our new book, How to Forgive, looks at this vitally important subject from a practical perspective, showing what the Bible actually teaches about this topic and how we can best apply the guidance it gives us. As with all our e-books, this new title is absolutely free and does not require any kind of registration or giving an email address. The book is available in three formats – so you can download a copy to read on your computer, phone, kindle or other e-book reader. Simply click on the version you want here.
Photo of clouds and hillside looks upside down until we realize the context – that we are seeing a reflection in a mountain lake.
Everyone who begins to study the Bible eventually learns that context is of the greatest importance in understanding the message of a given verse or passage. But although we may all come to recognize and hopefully remember this fact in our study, how often do we utilize the principle of context in other aspects of our Christian lives – in our behavior?
An Old Testament example often given of this principle is that of Moses striking the rock, as God instructed him, to produce water for the Israelites in the wilderness (Exodus 17:6; Numbers 20:8-12). The first time Moses struck the rock was in obedience to God’s instruction, but the following blows seem to have not been commanded and the situation changed immediately. An action that was in obedience to God in one context became one of disobedience when the context changed.
Consideration of context in our behavior applies just as much today as it did in this Old Testament example. Christians understand, of course, that many Old Testament injunctions such as the command to sacrifice an animal if one sins were laws given to the physical nation of Israel under the Old Covenant. Such commands applied in full force at that time – to the people to whom they were given – but the New Testament makes it clear that Christ fulfilled many of those laws and they do not apply to Christians today (Hebrews 10:10, etc.).
But beyond this obvious example, there are many other instances where context affects both if and how we keep various biblical instructions. Consider a few small examples:
1) Although we are told to bear with and overlook the failings of others (Proverbs 19:11, Romans 15:1, etc.), we are also commanded never to tolerate or overlook our own failings (James 4:7-10, 1 John 1:6-9, etc.). Overlooking problems is biblical in the one context, but not in the other!
2) Some New Testament commands have in mind the context of the Church while others apply to our relationships with people outside the Church or to all people. A very basic example of this is found in what Paul instructs us regarding teaching and admonishing one another (Romans 15:14) and speaking to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs (Ephesians 5:19). Looking at the context of these instructions, we find that it is one of interacting with fellow believers – not instructing or quoting scriptures or hymns to every stranger we meet!
3) A more subtle example is that of the command to confess our sins to one another (James 5:15-16). While this principle clearly applies only within the context of the Church (as we can see by reading the passage in which the command occurs), it also has a more specialized context. The indiscriminate confessing of our sins to any or all our spiritual brothers and sisters would not only be unwise, but could be hurtful to those who do not need to know our sins. The specific context of James’s instruction seems to be one in which a believer has not only sinned, but who also is sick. Perhaps the sin and the illness are connected (Psalm 32:3-4; 1 Corinthians 11:30, etc.), but in any event the command to confess our sins is “…so that you may be healed” (James 5:16). There are times when confession may also be valuable and proper in the context of accountability discussions with trusted spiritual friends and advisors, but the context should always be one that is chosen with wisdom and care.
4) The New Testament repeatedly tells us that we should pray for one another (1 Timothy 2:1, Ephesians 6:18, James 5:16, etc.), but the apostle John makes it clear that there are some situations in which we should perhaps not pray for others: “If you see any brother or sister commit a sin that does not lead to death, you should pray and God will give them life. I refer to those whose sin does not lead to death. There is a sin that leads to death. I am not saying that you should pray about that” (1 John 5:16). The “sin that leads to death” is probably one of the continuous willful sins of those who adamantly reject God. But we should notice that John does not say we must not pray for such individuals, just that he is not saying we need to do so. The apostle is simply showing that context affects our prayers, too. In these few examples we see some vital patterns. We must always discern the context of any biblical command. Was it clearly one applying in the past only or one that applies now? Does the command apply to our behavior toward ourselves or to others? Does the command apply only to our relationship with those within the Church or to all people? Does the instruction apply in all situations or only in specific ones? Is the instruction actually a command or simply a counsel?
As Christians we must always remember that context in understanding and application are equally vital – the importance of context applies just as much when we are deciding how to apply a scripture in our lives as it does to understanding what the scripture is saying!
An old joke says that the only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions, but assuming the worst of situations and people is a problem we are all guilty of at times – sometimes all too frequently.
Not surprisingly, the Bible has a good deal to teach us about this tendency and why we need to overcome it. Proverbs 25:8 is a good example. The Message Bible translates this verse as: “Don’t jump to conclusions – there may be a perfectly good explanation for what you just saw.” That may not be a literal translation of the Hebrew proverb, but it does show a principle we must all keep in mind.
Just as important as this kind of direct instruction are the many biblical stories that show the folly of jumping to conclusions. One of the clearest is that of the Syrian general Naaman who was afflicted with leprosy and who travelled from ancient Aram (Syria) to Israel to ask the prophet Elisha to pray for his healing. Second Kings 5 tells this story and shows repeated examples of people in responsible positions jumping to unwarranted conclusions.
First we see that the king of Aram sent a letter to Israel’s king on behalf of his general, asking help in Naaman’s healing. As many of us might have done, the Israelite king immediately began to jump to conclusions – going into to a “jump to hyperspace” within a few seconds: “As soon as the king of Israel read the letter, he tore his robes and said, ‘Am I God? Can I kill and bring back to life? Why does this fellow send someone to me to be cured of his leprosy? See how he is trying to pick a quarrel with me!” (2 Kings 5:7).
Fortunately, the prophet Elisha was aware of the situation and arranged for Naaman to come to him. “So Naaman went with his horses and chariots and stopped at the door of Elisha’s house. Elisha sent a messenger to say to him, ‘Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed’” (vss. 9-10).
While that may sound like a positive ending to the story, the human tendency to jump to conclusions came into play again – almost wrecking the outcome of the situation:
But Naaman went away angry and said, “I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy. Are not … the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Couldn’t I wash in them and be cleansed?” So he turned and went off in a rage (vss. 11-12). We can almost hear Naaman saying this – and perhaps hear our own thoughts if we had been in the same situation: “What a waste of time! I came all this way to ask for help and this guy just brushes me off. Who does he think he is anyway? It looks like I’m not good enough for him – probably he’s biased against Syrians!”
Naaman almost returned to Syria, but fortunately one of his servants persuaded him to just do what he was told to do and the general was indeed healed when he washed himself in the Jordan as instructed (vs. 14). But this story shows that assuming the worst almost led to Naaman not being healed when he was given the opportunity, and at an even broader level to war between Israel and Syria.
In another biblical example ancient Israel came precipitously close to civil war because many of the Israelites assumed that an altar built by some of their tribes was in rebellion against God (Joshua 22:9-34).
So rushing to judgment and jumping to conclusions is dangerous. And the problem of jumping to conclusions is often broader than we may think. Other biblical stories show the many ways we can make unfounded assumptions – such as assuming the worst because of people’s appearances, or because of what they say or do. We may end up wrongfully judging people because we assume their motives, or assume something they say is critical of us. Spiritually, we may assume a principle we have not heard before is not true, or we may assume that specific Bible verses or teachings about them don’t apply to us – but perhaps to someone we know. Perhaps the most damaging way we can assume the worst is by jumping to conclusions about God.
The New Testament shows that many of those who saw Jesus teach and perform miracles jumped to erroneous conclusions. Some thought he was unrighteous in what he did (John 10:33-36), others thought he was mad or demon possessed (John 10:20). Some just presumed that “no good thing” could come out of Nazareth – Jesus’ home town (John 1:46). Although we may not think such reactions apply to us, we can assume the worst of God when things do not go well. We think that perhaps God is angry with us, punishing us, does not care about us – these are all human reactions we may experience at times if we allow ourselves to assume the worst.
Some of us may be more prone to this fault than others, but ultimately we must all work on not jumping to conclusions. The legal principle of “innocent until proven guilty” has saved many innocent lives, and the principle of assuming the best until we have reason to think otherwise has saved many friendships, marriages and other relationships. It’s a sound biblical principle we can apply any and every day of our lives. By all means jump to exercise, but don’t jump to conclusions.
Apart from telling us WHAT to Pray, the “Lord’s Prayer” shows us in at least three ways HOW to pray!
The “Lord’s Prayer” is a profound outline or guide for prayer. It is profound in that although it is so short it provides a framework for every necessary topic of prayer, and also in that it teaches us important things about the way we should pray about the things for which we ask.
The prayer is found in two places in the Gospels – in Matthew 6: 9-13 in its fuller form, and in Luke 11: 2-4 in an abbreviated form. This fact alone seems to prove that the prayer is a guide on essential topics to pray about, rather than a prayer with specific words to be learned and repeated by rote as some believe.
Looking at the longer form of the prayer in Matthew, there are seven specific petitions or requests directed to God; but in this article, rather than looking at those petitions individually, as is often done, let’s look at some of the overall aspects of the guide which can be helpful in teaching us how to pray.
• The Prayer and the Commandments
First, when we compare the overall structure of the prayer, we see that it is actually similar to the structure of the Ten Commandments: the first group of points relating more directly to our relationship with God, the second group of points to our relationship with others. There are even some basic but noticeable touch-points: “I am the Lord Your God …” – “Father in Heaven”; “You shall not take my name in vain” – “Hallowed be your name”; etc. This is not surprising, of course, because in both the Commandments and the Lord’s Prayer we are looking at the same things – our relationship with God and with others.
The dual stresses of the commandments and the model prayer are even clearer if we compare the words of Christ when he was asked which were the most important of all the commandments. Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-40). When we understand this we see the Lord’s Prayer is not about asking for the things that we think will make us happy or that we want, but things that show our love for God and others. If the Ten Commandments show us how to love God and others, the Lord’s Prayer teaches us how to ask for help to do that properly.
Remembering this dual stress of the commandments and the prayer is truly important in helping us focus our approach to the Lord’s Prayer. Rather than seeing the prayer as an unrelated list of requests, we begin to see it as a prayerful “walk through” of key areas of our relationship with God and with others. That fact in itself gives us an important clue as to how Jesus’ prayer outline can be expanded, as we use it, to include all kinds of things relating to our spiritual relationship with God and the rest of His family. And we need to remember that dual aspect of the prayer’s focus. Humanly it may be easy to expand “Give us today our daily bread” by mentioning our many physical needs, but how much do we expand on requests such as “hallowed be your name”? Realizing the dual stress of the prayer helps us to better equally balance the things for which we pray.
• First Person Plural
Another basic thing to remember as we look at the model we are given is that there isn’t a single “I” or “my” in this prayer – only “you” and “us”, “your” and “our”. Considering how obvious this fact is, there seems to be a clear lesson – once again to focus our prayers on our relationship with God and with others.
Seen this way, the Lord’s Prayer is very different from the individual list of personal wants and needs we are all tempted to offer at most times given the problems of everyday life that we all face. There is certainly no problem in praying for ourselves, and the prayer outline does not deny us the ability to ask for the needs we have – it just puts our requests in the context of “our” needs, helping us to keep our minds on the fact that the problems of others are just as real – and sometimes much more serious – than those we face.
The Book of Psalms gives some great examples of this fact. Remember there are more prayers there than in any other book of the scriptures, and if you look at many of David’s heartfelt personal requests for help, they end with requests for others – for his people, for all of Israel (see Psalms 25:18, 22; 28:2, 9 for just two examples).
• Prayer Triage
When we kneel before God don’t dozens of things come into our minds – the many needs and concerns of our own lives and of those of family, friends and others we know. These many individual-level needs are in addition to things God shows us are even bigger needs – of worldwide scale. Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start and where to end. That fact underscores one of the great purposes of the model we have been given – putting things in the right context and priority. Think of the Lord’s Prayer as prayer triage. Jesus’ guide to communication with our Father sorts through all those clamoring thoughts and needs and puts our concerns and requests in the right order. Matthew 6:7-8 shows us that “… your Father knows what you need before you ask him”; but even though God already knows what our most urgent needs are, the prayer outline puts things in perspective.
Putting it all Together
As we saw at the outset of this article, the Lord’s Prayer is a guide to prayer. None of the recorded prayers of Jesus or the disciples after the time the outline was given follow the wording of the prayer (showing again that it is not a prescribed set of specific words to be prayed), although each recorded prayer in the New Testament stresses some aspect found within the guide. Perhaps we could say that while spontaneous – and especially urgent – prayers will often take their own form, the “Lord’s Prayer” provides a guide for those occasions when we wish to seek God in regular and complete prayer. Although God is doubtless more concerned with the content rather than the form of our prayers, the guide Jesus gave us covers all the main aspects of our relationship with God and with others; it constantly directs our focus outward to include the needs of others; and it helps us to bring order and priority to the requests we make. These three areas of guidance help us to keep in mind what regular prayer is all about.
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