Do We Need to Forgive Someone Who Is Not Sorry?

Do We Need to Forgive Someone Who Is Not Sorry?

by | Feb 15, 2023 | Forgiveness

This is a difficult question for many people who want to do the right thing, but realize that the Scriptures themselves may not seem to be clear on this point.  Yet after the basic fact that we should forgive others, this is the most important thing we need to understand.

First, consider the biblical indications that we should forgive others whether they are repentant or not.  The Gospel of Mark records that Jesus said: “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins” (Mark 11:25). This command does not specify that the other person must be sorry for what they have done in order for us to forgive them and it meshes with the evidence that Jesus himself asked for forgiveness for those who crucified him –  who clearly were not sorry for what they had done (Luke 23:34).

On the other hand, the Gospel of Luke seems to say something different when it tells us that Jesus said: “… If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them” (Luke 17:3-4).  This picture, of only forgiving those who repent, is backed up by another equally clear scripture:

If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector” (Matthew 18:15-18).

These scriptures may even seem to logically fit the fact that God does not forgive an individual until he or she repents of their wrongdoing (Luke 24:47, etc.) – so why, a Christian might ask, should we?

To see past this apparent contradiction in the Scriptures, and to understand what our responsibility is toward those who sin against us, we must understand that forgiveness has two parts, a mental and a physical part – that of the “heart” and that of the “hand” – it involves our attitude and our actions. In every situation we must forgive in our heart, but in some situations we do not proceed to the level of forgiving with our actions by resuming normal interaction as though nothing had happened. We will explain this, but first notice this fact regarding the scriptures we have looked at.

The words of Jesus in Mark 11 and his words on the Cross represent the essential first part of forgiveness – that of attitude.  The person praying cannot act in a forgiving manner toward those who have sinned against him but who are elsewhere –  any more than Christ could act on his forgiving attitude while he was hanging on the cross.   On the other hand, the situation described by Jesus in Luke 17 is one regarding our actions of forgiveness. In that circumstance the person who has been wronged is interacting with and discussing the matter with the individual who has offended. And Matthew 18 specifically tells us that if interaction shows a person is unrepentant, the aggrieved person should treat them in a certain way – meaning act toward them in that way.

Once we understand the two parts of forgiveness, we see there is no real contradiction between Jesus’ statements. On the one hand we must always have an attitude of forgiveness – regardless of whether the offending person is sorry or not (Mark 11:23, Luke 17:3-4).  On the other hand, if the person is not repentant or does not show any sign of being sorry for what they have done, we need not feel constrained to act as though nothing has happened and put ourselves in a situation where we are repeatedly hurt.  

For example, if a Christian woman is hurt by spousal abuse, or her children are hurt by someone, the Scriptures are clear that she must forgive the injuring individual in her heart.  But she need not place herself or her children in danger by acting as though nothing has happened – and staying in the situation.  It is not being unforgiving to not extend the second half of forgiveness – resumption of normal interaction – it is simply wise in such cases (Proverbs 22:3, etc.).

There are a number of biblical examples of this principle in action. We find David, for example, who, although he clearly forgave King Saul for trying to kill him (2 Samuel 1:17-27), nevertheless did not return to normal interactions when he realized that Saul still desired his death (1 Samuel 20-23).  So it should be with us.  If the person who hurts us is not sorry, we must still have an attitude of forgiveness – forgiving them in our hearts – yet in serious situations we need not act on our forgiveness by accepting the person as though nothing had happened and thus placing ourselves or others in repeated jeopardy.

As for the fact that God does not forgive unless a person repents, we must always remember that God has the power and the wisdom to know if a person truly is repentant or not. We cannot read the minds of others and we cannot judge a person’s motives in the same way.  People can say “Sorry” and may or may not mean it, while others may not express themselves well, but they may be sincerely sorry.  Precisely because we cannot always discern the attitude of another and the reality of a situation perfectly, we must always forgive in our hearts and minds as God clearly instructs us –  knowing that ultimately God will judge whether the individual was repentant or not. 

Understanding this principle is of the greatest importance in our Christian lives. Knowing that forgiving others involves unconditional forgiveness from the heart, but conditional forgiveness “of the hand” can help us fulfill God’s will in our lives in a balanced and wise manner –  just as God intended.

*For more information on the topic of Forgiveness, download our free e-book How to Forgive, here.

Your Burdens and Mine

Your Burdens and Mine

by | Feb 1, 2023 | Problems

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ… For each one should carry his own load” (Galatians 6:2, 5).

At first sight, the apostle Paul’s comments that we should bear one another’s burdens and bear our own load might seem to be contradictory – especially in the King James and some other translations which use the word “burden” in both verses 2 and 5. In fact, sceptics have often pointed to these verses in Galatians as supposed evidence of contradictions within the Bible.  Apart from the fact that it is highly unlikely that Paul would not know he was contradicting himself if this were the case, there is an important reason why these verses say what they do.

When Paul says that we should bear one another’s burdens in Galatians 6:2, the word “burdens” is translated from the Greek baros, which means literally a “weight,” or figuratively, “something that is oppressive” and which weighs us down. The burden can be physical or psychological – it can be a spiritual, emotional, or mental burden just as much as a physical one.

In Galatians 6:5 the word phortion that Paul uses is a slightly different one – though it still refers to a burden  of some kind. The major difference is that this word seems to apply to burdens that cannot be transferred to others – they are burdens that we must somehow carry ourselves.

The different words Paul used show that he had something different in mind in these two verses, and that the ideas are not contradictory. In verse 2 Paul clearly refers to the willingness we must all have to help those who need help. That is why he continues in the latter part of that verse by saying “and so fulfill the law of Christ” – the law of loving others as ourselves.  But in verse 5 Paul is referring to the other side of the coin – reminding us that it is our responsibility to bear our own burdens as much as we are able (2 Thessalonians 3:10–12; etc.). In saying this, Paul shows that his instruction to bear the burdens of our neighbors cannot be used to condone the lazy or conniving who would attempt to be supported by taking advantage of others.

What sceptics do not seem to understand is that Galatians 6:2 and 6:5 do not represent conflicting commands. It is possible for Christians to both bear their own burdens, while at the same time helping to bear the burdens of others.  Paul is emphatic that we all must do what we can, but when a person is in true need he is equally emphatic that we have  a responsibility to help them.   But the two can be – and often are – simultaneous.  At the crucifixion of Christ, after an agonizing beating and whipping, Jesus needed the help of someone to carry his cross (Matthew 27:32), but even as he accepted this help he was bearing the sins of others (1 Peter 2:24). 

Paul’s two statements are no different from those found in the book of Proverbs that tell us: “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him. Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes” (Proverbs 26:4–5) – rather than being contradictory, the two statements apply to different aspects of a situation. Galatians 6:2–5 makes it clear that every Christian is called to share the burdens of others, yet at the same time to take responsibility for the things that God has called them to carry themselves.

But we should never see this situation as a negative one. God promises to help each of us to bear even the burdens we must carry (Matthew 11:28–30; etc.), and he gives us all the opportunity to gladly help others with the same outgiving of love that he shows in helping us. As David tells us, “Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens” (Psalm 68:19).