by R. Herbert | Jun 7, 2015 | Family, Relationships, Tactical Articles
Recent statistics suggest that as many as 40% to 50% of marriages in some developed countries end in divorce. The divorce statistics for second and third marriages are even higher (practice evidently does not improve performance), and these sad statistics underline the even more unfortunate truth that many of these divorces were undoubtedly preventable.
While some marriage splits are, of course, the result of adultery, drugs, alcohol, spousal abuse and other problems, the great majority of divorces claim “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for dissolution of the marriage bond. This is where the aspect of preventability enters into the picture. “Irreconcilable differences” is really just an expensive way of saying “incompatibility,” and at the heart of many divorces – and of problem marriages which somehow stay together – it is incompatibility that is so often cited as the underlying problem.
Now in most all cases where incompatibility is cited as an issue, it was not present at the beginning of the relationship (we doubt many couples who always considered themselves incompatible get married) – it is something the marriage partners feel “happened” as time progressed. But the truth is, incompatibility between a man and a woman usually never just “happens” – it is present, under the surface, all the time. It is simply that marriages begin to falter when couples begin to focus on their incompatibility. A century ago, in his book What’s Wrong with the World, G.K. Chesterton put it this way:
“I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable. For a man and a woman, as such, are incompatible.”
These may be among the wisest words ever written on marriage problems. They are based on the undeniable fact that most marriages occur because “opposites attract.” But when marriage begins we are focusing on the “attract.” As marriages progress, if we are not careful, the focus switches to looking at, and dwelling on, the “opposites.” Our point of view shifts and we begin to see our relationship differently – and as we do, the problems develop.
Simple as it may sound, the quality of every marriage, and every day within every marriage, depends on how we look at our partner. We must remember it is not that beneath the attraction there are differences we must somehow try to suppress, but that the differences between us are so often the root and cause of the attraction itself – and we mean not just the sexual aspect, but the full range of psychological, spiritual and physical attraction.
A happy marriage is, then, always one of managed incompatibility. We can certainly do what we can to make it easier for our mates to deal with our differences where they are problematic (Romans 14:19 – “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.”), but each mate must concentrate on how he or she sees the other – we must continue to look at the attractive things about him or her. There is perhaps no more helpful scripture on this fact than the words of the apostle Paul:
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).
We render this wonderful advice useless by consigning it to nice thoughts about pleasant ethereal things. But this approach is a potent marriage problem solver. If we apply these words in the sphere of our relationship with our mate – in constantly looking for, affirming, complimenting the good things we appreciate about each other on every level – the matter of incompatibility usually becomes increasingly a non-issue.
Incompatibility is not the destroyer of marriage; it is the healthy tension that forms the basis of meaningful marriage relationships. The more we begin to see each other in a positive way and keep our focus there, the more we see attraction and the less we see opposites. In fact, we become more and more able to celebrate our incompatibility – and good things happen when we do. In the words of Genesis: “He created them male and female and blessed them….” (Genesis 5:2). We see God blessed the marriage relationships not generically as unisex, unithought, uniform pairs of mankind, but blessed us as male and female – blessed us in our differences.
by R. Herbert | Apr 24, 2015 | Tactical Articles
When it comes to forgiving others as we know we should (Matthew 6:12), we sometimes need to remind ourselves of advice the apostle Paul gave to the Corinthian Christians. The church at Corinth apparently included an individual who had caused some problems for the brethren in that city. We don’t know exactly what the problems were, but we do know that once the matter was sorted out, Paul reminded the other believers of an extra step in the process of forgiveness that we often overlook. When we forgive someone who has done something against us, we often jump from the act of forgiving in our own mind (which is difficult enough) to trying to “forget” the incident as well as we can (which can be just as hard). But this jump overlooks a part of the process that Paul chose to stress. Notice what he told the Corinthian church regarding the one from whom they had become alienated:
“If anyone has caused grief…The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him” (2 Corinthians 2:5-8).
Notice that Paul immediately follows the admonition to forgive the individual with one to “comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.” This clearly indicates that the individual was already sorry for whatever it was he had done and Paul seeks to limit or to end the ongoing sorrow But Paul doubly stresses this admonition to accept the forgiven individual by telling them that in this circumstance they should “reaffirm your love for him” (a principle we find in Isaiah 12:1 which shows that God follows necessary punishment with comfort and love).
Forgiving someone a serious hurt can be difficult enough, and we sometimes are tempted to feel satisfied if we do reach a point of sincere forgiveness. But Paul shows we must resist the temptation to then continue in a kind of hurt distancing of ourselves from the individual forgiven. The apostle shows that if the person does respond to our forgiveness, it is then our responsibility to reestablish an accepting relationship.
We can also see that Paul meant this important principle as a firm admonition for us rather than just something he was offering as “good advice” by what he says in his following words: “For this is why I wrote, that I might test you and know whether you are obedient in everything” (2 Corinthians 2:9 ESV). Paul clearly equated his readers’ acceptance of this principle of reconciliation after forgiveness with spiritual obedience.
Being as conscious as he was of his own need for God’s forgiveness and acceptance (Acts 9:4, 1 Timothy 1:15-16), Paul probably understood as well as anyone that the second step of forgiveness is just as important as the first. Having himself been fully accepted by Christ after his persecution of the Church, Paul reminds us that forgiveness without acceptance is meaningless and hollow. Only as forgiveness is followed by acceptance is it truly full forgiveness, and that acceptance in turn makes the final step of forgetting the incident, where possible, that much easier.
- For more information on this topic, download our free e-book How to Forgive – here.
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by R. Herbert | Oct 15, 2014 | God, Tactical Articles
In Ephesians 5:10 Paul wrote “… try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord,” and it is a clear indicator that we are making progress in the Christian life if we feel the desire to do exactly this.
But what is pleasing to God? Is it just becoming saved, or are we given more specific instructions? If the answer were obvious, Paul would not say “try to discern what is pleasing to God.” So we must search to find the answer.
The Bible actually lists a good number of things that God finds pleasing, and this is an extremely worthwhile topic for a careful study by searching “pleasing” in a Bible concordance or, more easily and effectively, by searching “please + God” on the BibleGateway.com site – which covers many translations and allows much more flexible searching. Doing such a study turns up many results, and in a new article “What Pleases God” uploaded today, we look at just some of the more important answers to the question of what is pleasing in God’s sight. You can read the article here.
by R. Herbert | Mar 10, 2014 | Bible Study, Tactical Articles
BibleGateway.com is, of course, one of the leading Bible translation websites used to provide hyperlink scripture references on this and many other sites. If you only use BibleGateway occasionally to look up a verse or an alternative translation, you are missing out on the use of a tremendously helpful full-fledged (and free!) Bible study tool.
If you take the time to learn a little bit about the BibleGateway site, you will find it an amazingly flexible and powerful tool for online study. Today, we reproduce, from our sister site, a new article on “Effective Bible Study through BibleGateway” – which shows some of the ways in which you can use the many features of BibleGateway in productive personal Bible study.
by R. Herbert | Jan 19, 2014 | Tactical Articles, Warriors of the Way
In Deuteronomy 20 we find the special instructions God gave to ancient Israel as it was about to enter the Promised Land. These instructions were the “tactical briefs” given to Israel’s fighting forces. At first sight they may seem simple, but they are deceptively so – and they represented vital information Israel needed for successful conquest.
Today, those same tactical instructions can be applied in our own lives and offer us simple but timeless guidelines for the spiritual battles we must fight – as we can see in each instruction and the lesson it carries. Newly uploaded to the Tactical Living page this week, “Sound and Simple Battle Plans” looks at the tactical instructions given to ancient Israel – instructions from which we can all profit.
by Ken Ryland | Nov 14, 2013 | Positive Living, Tactical Articles
By Ken Ryland
It’s a lost art among Christians. There is a stigma about meditation because of the popularity of Eastern Hindu-style meditation, but that is only a symptom of the problem that Christians have with meditation. I can’t think of any Christian that I know who practices Eastern meditation.
That’s for the New Age crowd, yet Christians continue to shun one of our most important ways of understanding God and His will. The excuses for avoiding meditation are rooted in our modern culture. Maybe Christians need a new perspective on meditation.
The key to proper meditation comes from the pen of King David in the Psalms: “Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth” (Psalms 46:10). This verse strikes at the core of our modern human problem; we have lost the art of being still.
There was a time not long ago when people would take time to go into the woods, sit under a tree or along the bank of a stream just to be alone and reflect on life. There they would ponder nature and the heavens, and all the work of God’s hands. Many would take walks alone just to regain their “balance” about life and its demands.
Today, people loathe being alone and hate the silence of isolation. The solitude of one’s own thoughts is frightening to most people. There is a fear of confronting head-on one’s thoughts and earthly passions, hence the clamor for an ever more dizzying array of distractions to prevent the self from confronting the self. There is never any peace in our pursuits, only a yearning for the next distraction to keep us from seeing ourselves as we really are ― and as God sees us. Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid,” (John 14:27). This is a gift and a promise from Christ. Nevertheless, I defy anyone to find five Christians out of a hundred who know true peace such as Jesus described.
Meditation is pondering, wondering, musing, contemplating, and at times, just being still. It is leaving God time to catch up with us instead of fleeing from one distraction to the next. The Holy Spirit is a great teacher and problem solver, but it is only when we have cleared our minds of distractions that we can allow the Holy Spirit to do its work.
Have you ever wondered why “sleeping on it” is such a good idea? Our subconscious is working all the time, even when we sleep. It is during sleep when there is an absence of distractions that God often does His best work in reaching our minds and hearts with just the right answer presented in just the right way. We can also create those times of solitude with God when we separate ourselves from television, the computer, or the cell phone and simply are alone with our Creator. Make no mistake; our Heavenly Father relishes those moments of undivided attention that we give Him when we are alone, and I don’t mean when we are praying. Praying involves talking; meditation is that time when we are listening for His counsel, when we hear His voice ringing in our minds. For He is love, and He loves to commune with us in our silent moments.
Meditation should be a regular, daily practice. You say you don’t have the time. Maybe that’s why you are having trouble in your relationship with God and why you don’t understand His will. How about spending a little less time in front of the TV or at the computer, and more time alone with Abba, your Father? Are you serious about walking in His ways and being the best Christian you can be? Then eliminate some of the distractions in your life, and fill that vacated space by fellowshipping with God ― just being alone with Him.
Bible study and prayer are important and should never be neglected, but don’t just learn about God or spend time on your knees detailing a laundry list of petitions for Him to fulfill. Be still, and alone by yourself come to know who He is. Stop talking and distracting yourself with your worldly needs; just listen to Him as He renews your mind and communes with you through the Spirit that He has made to dwell in you.
Meditation by God’s faithful servants throughout the ages is recorded many times in the Bible. Isaac went out into the field in the evening to meditate (Genesis 24:63). The Psalmist meditated on the mighty works of God (Psalms 43:5). In this Psalm the writer uses “meditate,” “muse,” and “remember” almost interchangeably. In Psalms 63:6, the Psalmist meditates on God “in the night watches.” After the death of Moses, God comes to Joshua to instruct him to carry on the redemptive work that Moses started. In those instructions the Lord tells Joshua, “This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success” (Joshua 1:8). God was not telling Joshua about the Law, as is the common misunderstanding. He was telling Joshua to mediate on the Book of the Law (the five books of Moses, the Torah) which included all of the mighty and wondrous acts of God, not just the writing of the Ten Commandments at Sinai.
In the New Testament the apostle Paul instructs Timothy to mediate: “Meditate on these things; give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all” (1 Timothy 4:15).
Meditation is communion with God, reaching out to Him and hearing back from Him. It is as important as prayer and Bible study. Meditation focuses our attention directly on our Heavenly Father and away from our worries and concerns that often interfere with hearing His counsel and instruction. It is quiet time to listen to His voice while calming our agitated spirit. Don’t shortchange your relationship with God. Add meditation to your routine and reap the rewards of greater satisfaction in your walk with God.
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