Relationships | Tactical Christianity

“Defusing” Misunderstandings

by R. Herbert | Mar 11, 2015 | Relationships

The Book of Joshua records a powerful example of how misunderstandings can become deadly dangerous and then need to be “defused” with extreme care. The story, like all the recorded events of the Scriptures, is written for our guidance, and we can learn some important lessons from it.

Joshua tells us that as the Israelites were about to enter the Promised Land, the tribes of Reuben, Gad and half the tribe of Manasseh asked permission to stay on the eastern side of the Jordan as their own area of inheritance. Joshua gave the two and a half tribes permission to do this on condition that they fought alongside the rest of the Israelite tribes till the Promised Land was occupied, and then they could return to claim the area granted to them (Joshua 22:1-9).

Returning home, the two and a half tribes built a large altar next to the Jordan, on their own side of the river (Joshua 22:10). It was at this point that the potentially fatal misunderstanding occurred. The other tribes were immediately incensed at what appeared to be the rapid apostasy of the Reubenites, the Gadites and the half-tribe of Manasseh into their own system of worship rather than honoring the main altar of God which was with the rest of the tribes. The Israelites were acutely aware that they had only recently been punished by God for disobedience (Joshua 7), so the Book of Joshua tells us that “the whole assembly of Israel gathered at Shiloh to go to war” against the eastern tribes (Joshua 22: 11).

This is the point at which tempers flared, and many were calling for the destruction of the apparently apostate tribes. But due to the wisdom of Israel’s leaders, an effort was made to defuse the situation. The priest Phinehas, along with ten tribal elders, bravely went to confront the eastern tribes and to tell them:

“The whole assembly of the Lord says: ‘How could you break faith with the God of Israel like this? How could you turn away from the Lord and build yourselves an altar in rebellion against him now? … And are you now turning away from the Lord? If you rebel against the Lord today, tomorrow he will be angry with the whole community of Israel. If the land you possess is defiled, come over to the Lord’s land, where the Lord’s tabernacle stands, and share the land with us. But do not rebel against the Lord or against us by building an altar for yourselves, other than the altar of the Lord our God’” (Joshua 22:16-19).

It was at this point that the eastern tribes explained how they had not built an altar in disobedience to the commands of God, but had built a structure to serve as a “memorial” to remind their descendants and those of the other tribes of the connection between them and the shared heritage of the tribes on both sides of the Jordan (Joshua 22:24-29, 34).

Fortunately, war was averted – but only narrowly. Had the ten tribes simply moved on the misunderstanding they had, there would have been great bloodshed and lasting animosity between them and their eastern cousins. But we should notice how this catastrophe was averted by the skillful defusing of the situation. The account tells us a number of important things.

First, we should notice how Phinehas and the tribal elders presented their case clearly, giving all the facts they knew, but then asking: “… are you now turning away from the Lord?” (Joshua 22:16). This asking rather than accusing was probably the primary reason the negotiations were successful in defusing the potential disaster. Notice that the discussion was framed from this perspective throughout. The Israelites said “If you rebel against the Lord…” (Joshua 22:18), not “You have rebelled against the Lord….” This is treading lightly on the already heightened emotions of those with whom the misunderstanding had occurred.

The other aspect of the story that we should clearly note is the way in which Phinehas and the elders did not back the eastern tribes “into a corner” in the process of defusing the situation. They did not pronounce judgments or rebukes or issue ultimatums before they had heard the other side of the story. But notice how they left a way open to still be in harmony with the eastern tribes, even if they were guilty of what they suspected: “If the land you possess is defiled, come over to the Lord’s land, where the Lord’s tabernacle stands, and share the land with us” (Joshua 22:19). This is handling things very carefully so that the situation does not blow up in terms of open accusation leading to angry denial and reaction.

The analogy of bomb disposal is a useful one in studying this account. Like Phinehas and the ancient elders of Israel, the brave individuals who take on great personal risk to defuse actual bombs in today’s world have only two basic rules: they tread lightly and they handle things very carefully with a soft touch. Those basic rules have saved many lives in the course of disarming live munitions and bombs; and they can save a great deal of heartache if we apply them to ”defusing” misunderstandings and other tense situations in our lives, too.

Walking Wisely with Others

by R. Herbert | Mar 4, 2015 | Relationships, The Church & the World

“Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Colossians 4:5-6 ESV).

To the Jews of the apostle Paul’s day every non-Jew was an outsider, and this concept is true in Christianity also: every person who is not a Christian is an “outsider” in being outside the church and the Christian faith. This is not a negative concept, it is just as much an understanding that Christians have a special responsibility toward those whom they could help or hinder in terms of coming to faith.

It is important to notice that in discussing how to interact with those outside the Faith, Paul could have mentioned scrupulous financial dealings, avoiding inappropriate dress or behavior, general helpfulness or many other things, but he doesn’t. These things are all important, of course, but Paul singles out two other aspects of our Christian walk instead.

First, Paul urges us to make the best use of the time we have. This could mean two things: either using time wisely so that those outside the Faith see our diligence in the calling we have, or, alternately, that we use the time we are with those on the outside to maximum advantage by making sure our behavior is always a proper witness. In Paul’s words “making the best use of the time,” the Greek expression is “buying up the opportunity,” so the latter possibility is perhaps more likely – that we use the time with those outside the Faith to maximum advantage.

But in any case, after admonishing his hearers to use time wisely (see also Ephesians 5:15-17), Paul continues by stating the one aspect of our interrelations with others that he wished to stress above all others at that time: that our speech should always be gracious and “seasoned with salt,” so that we know how to answer each person with whom we deal.

“Gracious” speech was something noted about Christ himself (Luke 4:22), and Paul stresses that His followers must reflect that same aspect in their own lives if they are to reflect Him truly. Gracious speech is the opposite of words that are unpleasant, unkind, unedifying, unclean or in any way unwholesome. Why stress this above other things? Perhaps Paul had in mind the ease with which many people slip into the wrong kind of speech when they are with others whose speech is not gracious. And our speech, along with our actions, is certainly one of the two things that define us to others. In fact, we are often with others in situations where we have no opportunity to show our faith through our actions, yet the need for right speech is always present.

An interesting aspect of this is seen in Paul’s mention that our speech should be “seasoned with salt” – a figurative way of saying that it should not become corrupted. The Greek expression is in the “perfect” tense giving the meaning of a past action with continuing effect. We need to remind ourselves that our speech has been cleansed and needs to be kept that way in interactions (Ephesians 4:29). It is with that meaning rather than being “ready to discuss our faith,” as is often said, that Paul ends his exhortation by saying that we should “know how … to answer each person” – know how to answer them graciously and “seasoned with salt.” Paul makes it clear that this is one of the most important things we can, and must, do in interacting with those outside the Faith.

Pornography, the Brain, and Happiness

by R. Herbert | Dec 10, 2014 | Family, Problems, Relationships

Many users of pornography do not understand that like drugs, pornography does have physical, measurable, negative effects on the human brain. Most medical studies confirming this fact have been conducted with men, though there is clear evidence that women can also be affected.

Simply put, sexually explicit material triggers “mirror neurons” in the brain. These are the neurons involved in mimicking behavior and in the case of pornography, the mirror neuron system triggers arousal in the brain, which leads to growing sexual tension and a corresponding desire for release. The problem, according to Professor William M. Struthers, a psychologist at Wheaton College, is that “ … this leads to hormonal and neurological consequences, which bind [the man] to the object he is focusing on.” Pornography thus enslaves its users to its images in the sense that the biological response intended to bond a man and woman are transferred, thus loosening the bond between them and forming a bond with the pornography itself.

But this is only the beginning. In men, a primary chemical involved in sexual arousal which is affected by pornography use is dopamine, and it is well known that dopamine plays a major role in reward-driven learning. Many studies have shown that rewarded behaviors increase the level of dopamine transmission in the brain (the basis of addictions to drugs such as cocaine, amphetamine, and methamphetamine which act directly on the dopamine system). Dopamine production peaks in the brain when an individual is exposed to stimuli which are novel – especially if the stimuli are sexual. This is why pornography users become trapped in endlessly seeking new images – because they have trained themselves to be unsatisfied with the same stimulus.

As a result, viewing erotic images of numerous individuals can actually trigger more dopamine production than sex with an actual partner. In this way, pornography leads to a psychological addiction that teaches the brain that images are more satisfying – and the user becomes, in turn, less satisfied with his or her real partner (a process known to psychologists and ethnologists as the “Coolidge effect,” which affects mammalian males and to some extent females). With individuals not in sexual relationships the addiction is still firmly formed, and sexual relations within eventual marriage are doomed to prove less satisfying and less likely to hold the relationship together.

One of the final destructive effects of this cycle is that the overstimulation of the psychological reward process which occurs with repeated pornography-stimulated dopamine production creates actual desensitization; the brain doesn’t respond as much as it used to do and the individual actually feels less reward from pleasure. Over time, that same desensitization causes porn users to have to work ever harder to accomplish feelings of satisfaction through more, more frequent, or more extreme sexual stimuli. The cycle is endlessly ongoing; and the more porn is used, the more numb the brain becomes.

Telling users that pornography debases or exploits women (although completely true) often has little effect because users are usually into porn for self-centered gratification which is elevated above the happiness of others; but porn users are themselves being harmed. A University of Sydney study found that those using porn regularly were more likely to have severe social and relationship problems and were more likely to lose their jobs, their relationships, and to get in trouble with the law. But if a user can understand what is actually happening to his or her “brain on porn,” it can help the person to realize that the happiness which is ultimately and most severely compromised by porn is their own.

The Golden Rule of Damage Control

by R. Herbert | Nov 16, 2014 | Love, Relationships

“Any man or woman who wrongs another in any way … must make full restitution for the wrong they have done, add a fifth of the value to it and give it all to the person they have wronged” (Numbers 5:6–7).

The concept of restitution in the Old Testament is often said to refer to repayment of stolen property, but Numbers 5:6-7 makes it clear that the principle is broader and should be applied if we wrong another “in any way.” We also have other Old Testament scriptures specifically showing restitution for any type of loss we cause. For example: “If a man borrows an animal from his neighbor and it is injured or dies … he must make restitution” (Exodus 22:1, 3-6, 14).

Certainly, if we have intentionally or even unintentionally defrauded anyone of anything, we should make restitution for what we have taken. We see a clear example of this in the New Testament where Luke tells us that when Jesus was passing through Jericho, “A man was there by the name of Zacchaeus; he was a chief tax collector and was wealthy” (Luke 19:2). Unfortunately, some of this man’s wealth may have come from overcharging on the taxes he had power to collect. But Zacchaeus told Jesus: “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount” (Luke 19:8).

Zacchaeus doubtless knew that the law only commanded him to repay with an additional fifth of what he had taken, but he was glad to pay back with even greater restitution. Jesus welcomed this repentant attitude and stated that salvation had come to the tax collector that day (Luke 19:9). Clearly, Jesus approved of Zacchaeus’ attitude of restitution, and the New Testament records the tax collector’s words for our edification.

So is there a principle in these biblical verses from which we can learn and one we can apply today? How about the item we borrowed from a friend and damaged in some way before we returned it? Or what about the time we were over at our friend’s home and accidentally knocked over a vase or spilled a staining beverage on their new carpet? It’s often considered polite for the host to gloss over such accidents, but as Christians we should always consider the principle of restitution – to insist on paying to clean the carpet we have stained or to replace the item we damaged. If the person whose property we have damaged will not accept direct restitution, then a gift of something else might certainly be appropriate according to the spirit of the principle of restitution.

While people may say the damage we have caused does not matter, humanly, it often does matter. Restitution can help others not be upset as they may feel deep down that the right thing would be to have insisted on paying for our damage. As Mark Twain candidly noted in a different context: “When a man says it’s not the money, it’s the principle of the thing – it’s the money.” Even when people are gracious about loss we cause them, the principle of restitution is the application of love and the “golden rule.”

So consider applying the principle of restitution in your own life. Did you lose or damage a borrowed item? – Why not replace it with something better? Did you borrow a friend’s car? – How about returning it with more gasoline than it had when you started out? There are many ways we can apply the principle of restitution. It may not be a “law” we are obligated to keep, but it’s a principle we should want to follow.

Let Your – Smile – So Shine!

by R. Herbert | Oct 26, 2014 | Positive Living, Relationships

“When I smiled at them, they scarcely believed it; the light of my face was precious to them” (Job 29:24).

You probably know that studies have found that smiling is good for you. Carefully controlled psychological experiments have proven that we are happy because we smile just as much as we smile because we are happy. Smiling – even forced smiling – has been found to relieve stress, and a 2010 study published in Psychological Science even showed that smile intensity in photographs predicted longevity.

But did you know that at least one study has found that the single most effective thing a person can usually do to enhance his or her relationships with other people is … to smile more often? So in the title to this post I do not mean to be flippant in paraphrasing the biblical injunction “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven” (Matthew 5:16, KJV). Letting our “light” shine is clearly more than just smiling, it involves our “good works” – the whole range of our behavior and interactions with others – yet if smiling is such an important component of our relationships with others, shouldn’t we indeed smile more often?

We may not be able to find biblical verses saying “Jesus smiled,” but in his classic work The Humor of Christ, Elton Trueblood lists thirty passages showing the humor of Jesus in the Synoptic Gospels. There are many other examples in the Bible of things being said with evident humor that suggest smiles were often present on the faces of God’s servants (for example, 1 Kings 18:27); and verses like “Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy” (Psalm 126:2) had to involve smiling.

The point is, walking in God’s ways should produce smiles at least a portion of the time. This is particularly true because feelings of care and affection are frequently accompanied by smiles – if we are concerned and caring for others we will naturally smile even, sometimes, despite our own circumstances. In fact, just as experiments have found we can make ourselves happy by smiling, we can also make others happy by smiling at them. So there are at least two good reasons to be smiling, but it is something many Christians don’t do as often as we might expect. A surprising number of sincere believers live under a cloud of seriousness – at its worst it can be an expression of focusing on spiritual problems rather than the answers, though more often it’s just that we forget what an impact a smile can have.

So keep this in mind when you greet the world. As they say, if you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours. It’s not meant as pop-psychology advice to make you feel better, it’s meant as a small reminder that smiling is a part of letting our light shine. It certainly isn’t the most important part, but it may be the first thing that people notice about us and – as Job mentions in the scripture quoted above – it may be one of the things they firmly remember.

Credit to Whom It Is Due: I’d Like to Thank …

by R. Herbert | Mar 2, 2014 | Gratitude, Relationships

Every year Hollywood, the US, and even many around the world turn to the Academy Awards ceremony to see credit being given to leading actors, actresses, directors, producers and a host of others who work behind the scenes.

Not only are the awards intended to give credit, but those receiving them frequently take a great amount of time, while basking in the spotlight, to thank everyone who supported their work – and if you have ever watched them, you know that sometimes means everyone.

This giving of credit is all well and good to a point, though it can often seem artificial under the stage lights when we compare how infrequently we tend to give credit to others in real life situations.

But there is plenty of biblical precedent for giving appreciative credit to others in our daily lives. A great example is found in 1 Samuel where David insisted that all who had helped him in a military campaign should receive credit and proper reward. Speaking to his followers who wanted to give credit only to those directly involved in the fighting, we find:

“David replied ‘No, my brothers … The share of the man who stayed with the supplies is to be the same as that of him who went down to the battle. All will share alike.’ David made this a statute and ordinance for Israel from that day to this” (1 Samuel 30:23-25).

Not only did David credit all who had taken part in the campaign, but also, when he reached Ziklag, he sent some of the captured goods to the elders of Judah in recognition of their support, saying, “Here is a gift for you from the plunder of the LORD’s enemies” (1 Samuel 30:26). Further, Samuel tells us, David sent some of the spoil to a great number of towns in the kingdom recognizing their help and support. The list is long (and almost Oscar like!) as David gives credit to:

“…those who were in Bethel, Ramoth Negev and Jattir; to those in Aroer, Siphmoth, Eshtemoa and Rakal; to those in the towns of the Jerahmeelites and the Kenites; to those in Hormah, Bor Ashan, Athak and Hebron …” (1 Samuel 30:30).

Notice that even this long list is not complete as vs. 31 adds “and to those in all the other places where he and his men had roamed.”

So David used the opportunity to give credit not only to all who had helped him directly or indirectly in his campaign, but also to all of his friends and supporters who were not even involved – but who had supported him to that time.

It’s a point worth remembering. David gave credit widely and generously. It was clearly part of his character and something we can remember in our own relationships with the people with whom we live and work. There is also another side to this. If we conscientiously pay attention to giving credit to those who have helped us or worked alongside us in any of life’s endeavors, we will perhaps be more likely to be aware of, and to give credit to, the One who so often helps us behind the scenes and to whom credit is always due!

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